Porn Tales & Sex Demons – Eavesdropping on Therapy
Why would I write such a thing
I wrote the book because I’ve found that sex is a missing conversation in many psychotherapy consulting rooms. In this world of #MeToo declarations and children watching porn in their bedrooms, blunt sexual dialogue is desperately needed. Porn Tales & Sex Demons challenges the untethered access to porn by children, especially those entangled by distortions in sexual development provoked by childhood trauma. Exposure to internet porn at a young age alone could now be that trauma. I also wanted to reject dominant societal views of heteronormativity and reduce the experience of internalized oppression by embracing gender-non-conformity. I hope my book contributes to the movement against ongoing sexual oppression.
Children are being raised on porn pablum, and I see misery from this. Porn Tales & Sex Demons is a salve for some of that pain.
To tell you the truth:
Porn Tales & Sex Demons was originally conceived as a creative non-fiction, based on my life experiences and the many client sexual concerns I’ve worked with in my practice. The finished book is fictionalized to protect privacy and written entirely in dialogue, therapy session notes, and private journal entries, without analytic jargon. I wrote it in this unconventional style to demystify psychotherapy, and model accessible language. Consequently, it morphed into a novel that doesn’t exactly fit neatly into one genre. The dialogue draws the reader into the core of the characters’ stories, encouraging resonance with the reader’s own concerns. My hope was to help develop a sexual language still in its infancy, while inspiring readers to begin the conversation.
A bit more of a synopsis:
Porn Tales & Sex Demons is a ‘fly on the wall’ story about the mess of sexuality and the shame we don’t talk about. The ‘wall’ is in a queer psychotherapist’s consulting room. The narrative switches between the stories of Bailey, a therapist, and two 20-30 year old clients. Evan, who is 23, was raised in a hyper-sexualized environment, is vulnerable to abuse, engages in reckless sexual behaviour, and is confused about their gender identity, orientation, and disturbing erotic fantasies. Sebastian, nearing 30, was babied and coddled by his parents. He suffers debilitating erectile disfunction and a numbing dread that he might be gay. Both clients have been watching porn since they were preteens.
In their sessions with Bailey both clients go back and forth over the pros and cons of porn. Bailey explains how porn hijacks them, muddies their personal erotic fantasies, and dilutes their confidence and agency… while also admitting that ethical porn is not an oxymoron.
In bed, Bailey thinks out loud to their partner, Sleepyhead, about psychoanalytic theories, in an attempt to make sense of their clients’ distressing stories of rape, obsessive porn use, and the damage of childhood sexual abuse. Bailey fears that online porn is hijacking young people and luring them away from their authentic erotic fantasies and preferences. They worry that their clients’ persistent use of mainstream porn will block them from finding what’s real in the world—outside of their infantile omnipotent control, and will lead to the objectifying of others as body parts. Bailey also extrapolates on the theories of a renowned psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, helping their clients to find ‘real’ people beyond the virtual world they’re caught-up in.
Bailey is haunted by their own sexual traumas. They make mistakes, and question their competence to work in this dangerous area. Eventually, by facing their own demons, Bailey steers their clients back to their genuine sexual impulses, without condescension. Bailey helps them frame their gender identity, and own their sexual desires.
My target audience:
Porn Tales & Sex Demons is written for Millennials, all digital natives, therapists, parents raising pre-teens, and really anyone disturbed by their sexuality.
Contributing thoughts:
Dark erotic desires and sadomasochistic practices remain on the fringe of sexual discussion, yet from my experience as a psychotherapist, working in the area of sexuality, I’m continually hearing my clients’ secret dark desires. My clients are often troubled by their erotic interests and suffer great shame from what they consider to be perverted, dangerous thoughts and passions. I work hard to help them differentiate thought from action and then encourage the development of curiosity about their fantasies or the sadomasochistic behaviours they engage in. By validating and normalizing their thoughts, we are able to explore the genesis and meanings of dark passions and often discover a deep desire beneath the surface of the erotic stimuli. Fantasies of violence, pedophilia, rape or other dark acts that are considered by some to be antisocial, can be confusing, embarrassing and create deep shame. Understanding that fantasies aren’t the same as actions—that fantasizing about raping or being raped doesn’t mean that you want to actually engage in that activity—is primary. Harsh judgement often comes from the author of the fantasy. We can learn to replace this judgement with curiosity and wonder about the deeper idiosyncratic meanings. Shame that shadows creativity can be dissolved, and free erotic play then becomes a possibility.